Freedom

So I did go to counseling last Friday and at around 5 PM that day I had a completely different mindset. I realize it'll take time for this mindset to be concrete as I've already struggled with the old way of thinking, but I'm praying that God will allow this paradigm shift inside of me and reinforce that with words that speak of real, genuine life. Here's what I learned:

I'm living a very surface level life. This was hurtful for me to hear. I try to go deep in situations if possible. Even with myself, I thought I made decisions that allowed me to get beyond the surface. But when "the surface" is defined as materialism, then you're not exactly getting beyond the surface if one aspect of it is something you don't struggle with hardly at all. What my counselor explained to me is that through salvation in Christ I now have Jesus Christ living in my heart. In turn, I have the Holy Spirit dwelling within me, moving and stirring my affections for Jesus up at every possible turn. Because of that, I'm no longer only living in the flesh, but am living with the Spirit of God inside of me. With me so far?

He explained that God is infinite. He's never had a beginning and has no end. Because of that fact, God is free to create infinite reflections of himself in human beings. Therefore, I am truly unique. There has never been nor will there ever be a person that is uniquely designed as I was. I'm truly different. Because of my design, there are things in life that appeal to me and things in life that truly don't appeal to me. There are certain people I feel comfortable around and others that I can't stand to be around. There are verses that really resonate with me and then there are verses that are just words on a page to me. The cool thing is that it's different verses depending on where I'm at in life.

That alone is proof that God's Holy Spirit truly lives inside of me. He changes my heart on issues, he changes my mind on other issues. He increases my love for this person and impresses upon me to do something generous for another person. Whatever, I could go on and on... He's constantly in control regardless of how it appears.

Well because I've been subconsiously creating my own stable environment, I've been effectively telling God, "I don't really want to go deeper than this. If I start asking questions such as "Who am I?" or "what was I created for?", then I don't know that my world would be that stable once I found out the answers. Thanks but no thanks." I've been afraid to go deep, so I settled for my surface stability with endless strategies in place to keep me at that level. I became the very thing that I spoke against to everyone I know.

So when my counselor told me that because I was uniquely designed by God all I had to do was be completely, 100% who I was instead of having to do A, B, C in order to receive D blessing from God... I just sat there in disbelief. I was looking at the couch shaking my head while he said, "Your head is spinning now, huh?" I looked up and said, "Yeah! That is the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. I've even told people exactly what you just told me, but I wasn't living it."

As a result, I finally feel free. Feeling and being free are different. I'm working towards being free. How?

Well for one, I'm going through "The Silence of Adam" by Larry Crabb.

Second, I'm not building my strategies for studying Scripture. I'm going to read a book... let's say Colossians. When something jumps out at me, I'm going to dwell on it because the Spirit inside of me is saying, "There's a reason this means something to you. Sit here and dwell with me here so I can unpack another piece of your character." I'm going to stay there until I've exhausted the verse, until I truly have a grasp of it. Until I truly feel like I could move on without thinking I'm missing something. In other words, I'll let the Lord lead my bible study. I don't know how this is going to work because I've never done it, but in my head it makes sense. It's extremely profound.

Third, I'm going to write. I have to. The Lord is good in giving me a voice through words. May Jesus open the floodgates as far as that is concerned.

Lastly I'm going to live in community. I'm going to talk to friends, keep up with them, and love them. I'm going to volunteer and be available, only because it's what I really have a desire to do. I'm nervous sometimes, but that nervousness is my flesh not the Spirit of God. So I'm going to listen to the Spirit of God and let my flesh fall in line. It sure beats listening to the news and other people...

I was really encouraged this weekend. I still am encouraged. I'll keep you posted. Thank you for your prayers (those of you that prayed). They were answered in very real, specific ways in my life recently. Today I'm dumbfounded that God's understanding is infinite and in that understanding that He would allow me to walk in blindness to His plan for my life for so long only to use it to bring me back to Himself. I love Him. I have a hard time not loving Him more when I write down what He's done in my life. This Sunday during worship I just wanted to sing to Him. So I did :) He's who I live for...

"Great is our Lord, and abundant in power;

his understanding is beyond measure."
Psalm 147:5