Stability

Last night Becky and I came into the house after going to see Four Christmases. Thinking that we might relate somewhat to having to travel around the country to see our families for the holidays we were super excited to see it. I'm serious... even I was excited about seeing a movie. We laughed a lot at some pretty ridiculous jokes, but towards the end of the movie (when the "moral" of the story was being told) I started lamenting the fact that movies are made in Hollywood and not the real world. In my opinion, it was a pretty raunchy movie. If you want to go see it to see why I said that then that's your choice, but I honestly can't recommend the movie. It was pretty poor outside of the funny jokes.

Well today marks my second ever counseling appointment. With all the events of last night and a conversation Becky and I were having before going to bed, I might have just figured me out. Well figured out the root of some anger issues at least... I think it's stability. And here's why...

Growing up that's all I ever wanted. At 12-13 (somewhere around there), I experienced the beginning of the most stable period of my life. Being home with Mom and Larry. That lasted until I went to Purdue, which in a sense was still stability for me. It was a new experience yes, but it was an experience that I was in charge of. I decided how to live out every minute of my life and it was a pretty stable environment. Then I move to Houston... same type of experience college was. I was in control.

And then I met Becky :)

Trust me, that came out a lot harsher than I meant it but I couldn't pass up the opportunity for a laugh. In so many ways, Becky has changed my life and I will be forever grateful to her for it. In talking all of this out, she asked the question, "Then why would you marry me?" meaning that she would represent instability in my life since I was no longer in complete control. My answer was because I knew I needed to be with her, I even felt I needed to be with her. I honestly believe that God allowed me to look beyond my need for stability for a brief moment in time to fall in love with my wife. Now temporarily looking beyond that need didn't permanently fix anything, but it put in place the most important person in my life... a person I would truly share everything with. And someone who would help me break this unhealthy sense of wanting stability.

A few examples of why I think this is the root...

• I get angry when I'm in the far left lane and Becky tells me to get over 3 lanes of traffic in 10 seconds. In traffic I zone out... set out on the course to our final destination. When that is interrupted I don't have a positive reaction... because instability has reared its ugly head.
• Ever changing plans aren't something I enjoy. I thrive at making a plan and even more so sticking to it. I LOVE routine. That sounds like prison to most of you... and the scary part is that it sounds like complete freedom for me. Inside of a plan, I can truly relax and live. I'm in a stable environment...
• Cleaning. Why do I enjoy cleaning so much? Why have I made the bed (or asked Becky to make the bed) 97% of the time I wake up in the morning? I want order, I want a home to come home to, I want to take care of what we have. I don't want to trash a place and then need to find another. I want a stable environment...
• ExxonMobil... self-explanatory.
• Financial planning. I'm borderline obsessive compulsive with finances. I pour hours into tracking our expenses, updating spreadsheets, running reports, tweaking the budget, and complaining when we spend money. I don't like the verse that says you can't serve two masters God and money. I want to serve God by managing money... instead I end up serving money and managing God. My flesh is weak, but I don't address this weakness because it would introduce instability.

Trust me, Becky and I laid these along with 30 different examples (no joke) last night of where this is probably the thing in my life that I am most committed to. It made me want to cry and yet I can't. We prayed together and I'm going to start doing whatever I can to work through this and not hope for a temporary fix. Writing will be a big part of that. On here, in my journal. Everywhere. I'm just praying I can get over the exhaustion of writing and sharing because it's honestly paralyzed me for over a year.

Please pray for me and Becky. I don't write this to get any kind of sympathy from anyone. I write this because I need to. I honestly don't care how much dirty laundry you find out about me or how many things I need to work through. I hope you find out everything because then I would never even have a reason to hide. I love honesty, I love realness, I love depth.

Why? Because it's stable... :) Don't worry, I'm in counseling.