Blogging

So coming home last night, I started thinking about different things to write about. In the process of my 15 minutes drive home from church, I probably wrote a pretty solid 4 blog posts with the intention of putting those up last night.

As you can see, those blog posts never made it up for a pretty good reason. Becky and I received a surprise package yesterday that contained our wedding DVD :). So last night, for an hour an a half, we relived our wedding night together and decided to head to bed shortly after. It was so much fun seeing it all from another perspective, seeing all the people that we love being around in one room at one time as we commited our lives to one another. The DVD was absolutely perfect. And yes, we're willing to share if you were not able to attend or just want to fast forward to your favorite parts :)

So I'm going to try to blog about those 4 things in the near future. I need to write, that's all there is to it. I've talked to Becky for probably a year and a half now (well at least since we've been married) that writing is how the Lord really shows me things that I need to see. So why have I not made time to write? I think there's 2 main reasons and 1 not so main reason.

Main Reason #1: I'm scared.
Writing isn't something I do to pass the time. Writing isn't really something I consider relaxing. And it's definitely not something I think is short. I write to dump everything that is in my head onto paper (or internet) in an attempt to put my finger on the things that are most important. It helps me sort out my thoughts and see situations that I am deeply involved in from an outside perspective. It helps me make better decisions and helps me hold onto the things that the Lord teaches me. I have a real problem with reading and then recalling what I read from memory a week later. But if I write... chances are the things I read will stick with me for much longer. But I'll tell you what writing is to me. It's absolutely exhausting. Every journal entry I write takes about 45 minutes, which sadly has not been done since our wedding. I'm mainly scared (and you'll see how dumb this is when I actually type it out) that I'll figure too many things out... (see I told you. Yes I'm filled with an obscene amount of pride just so you know). Contrary to very popular belief, I don't have a desire to live according to a plan ALL the time. One idea I really tried to get my head around at Purdue was blind obedience. Could I follow the Lord when I had no idea where he was taking me? This was a topic that was discussed at the Elijah study last night too. Could you follow the Lord when there was no immediate reward available? When there was no earthly wealth accumulated as a result of your relationship with Him? We talked about raising kids and ourselves as craving obedience and not approval. Once I heard that last night, something in my heart screamed, "That's it, that's right!!" Oh how badly I want that... to be obedient and not consumed with the approval of others. Yet my sinful self today craves approval, both from Becky and specifically my boss at work. I want to do a good job and every time I think I do a good job I want to be told I did a good job. Becky must laugh every time she comes home and I say, "Did you see what I did?" But she doesn't. She pats my head and says, "I'm so proud of you, thank you." and lets me go on my merry way. So to sum it up, I'm scared to learn what God wants me to learn.

Main Point #2: I'm on marriage sabattical
When getting married, we received one consistent piece of advice. Take a year to be together. Don't plug into a ministry, don't jam pack your calendar with events, don't make others a priority. Spend time focusing on your marriage and truly getting to know each other. Well when my very extreme mind caught wind of this idea, I didn't just grab onto it. I ran with it. I've made a conscious effort to not be pulled in so many directions at once. And it's been difficult. Becky and I both are movers. I'm a little more stable, not-looking-for-the-next-thing kind of mover as compared with Becky, but I like to be in the mix. I like to be doing something. So when asked to take a year off, knowing that I would never get this year back for as long as I live, I decided that that meant I truly need to pull back from everything. Whether that thing would steal joy from my heart or fulfill my heart with joy, I was going to pull back from it. I still don't know that that's what people meant when they said to pull back, but that's the advice that I heard. This brings up a topic that Becky and I deal with on a daily basis that probably deserves it's own post. That's the issue of joining our spiritual lives together now that we're one. I had a certain plan that I followed when I was single in engaging the Lord and hearing from Him. Well when we got married, I started with that same plan not thinking much would change. Wrong answer. We both are honestly clueless as to what this looks like for our lives. Do we read together, do we pray together, when do we pray together, how often should it be, do we get involved in this ministry, do we stay home and just have a chill night as a form of rest, should we not do anything on Saturday because it can be a sabbath day for us, what does "nothing" during a day look like... ENDLESS QUESTIONS. And these questions go through my head probaby 10 times a day as I seek to lead our family spiritually. It's hard to lead (and for Becky to follow) when you haven't received much clear direction about what that looks like. Hence my need to write :)

Sub-point #1: I have a wife
Becky is incredible and if you've been around her for any length of time you'll pick up on the fact that she's an amazing woman of God who is passionate about many things and spontaneous in her approach to life. She has a slight form of ADD only because she loves to be surprised. She can focus when she needs to, but everything she does is extreme (are you catching on to why I was attracted in the first place?). She's everything I ever wanted and then everything I ever needed in a wife. Well for those of you who don't know, in order to know and truly love my wife she requires time. I require time from her. What that means is that whenever I have an option to drill deeper into the heart of my wife or write a blog, guess which one I'm going to choose? No not blogging... my wife. Therefore the Haran (crossroads) I find myself in is loving my wife. Not just with action or words, but with every inch of my being. That looks differently and the same every day. Writing is a form of loving my wife because she gets all of me and not the supressed version of me. But writing does not communicate love when she needs Chris time. This goes both ways so don't read this as Becky being some lonely woman who needs me to come rescue her from despair everyday I walk in the door. If that were the case, I would probably have a clearer direction as to what she needs. But being the independent firecracker that she is, she doesn't need me. She needs my love. God chose such a profound way to teach me how to love by giving me Becky... a lesson that I both love and hate at the same time. It forces me to grow and forces me to mold into who He created me to be. It forces me to admit that I'm not already perfect and deal with that reality.

And because of that, while it's frustrating to be pruned and refined, it's so unbelieveably humbling and gratifying knowing that the Lord of the universe is working directly, specifically on you.

That's all for now, I'll write more later :)