Tonight was a guy's night... JMor, Tripp, Tyler and I went to the batting cages to hopefully influence the memories we'll make on the softball field this Saturday (if any of us will play). I get real excited when I get to hang around them. Such godly guys, guys that I respect and live through life with. We don't see each other all the time, but the times we do are usually productive.
What I like is life talk. We can talk about work, about the type of job you're doing here and the position you want there, blah blah. But none of that stuff really matters. It does to the extent of securing your family's future. Outside of that I really don't see a good reason for pouring yourself into your job. I desire everyday to be an excellent employee at work. Some days I accomplish it and some days I get so frustrated because I know I could've done more. But work is work. It's not life. Tonight we were talking about some life issues... where we were at in our stages of life, things about marriage that I'm still getting used to, stories from the guys night that MetroLink had the other night, purpose at work beyond your given job. Things like that.
The more I think about it, these are the kind of nights that really encourage me to keep plugging away. I have the best support system at home with Becky. She's got enough drive for the both of us. I don't consider myself a lazy person at all, but lately I feel like I've lost my drive to work. It's just draining. I think I'm making a difference and then just have another thing to do. The job is never done. In college sure it seemed that way, but stick it out a few more weeks and take the final and bam... the job really is done. Don't like a class? Wait 5 months, it'll change. Four years was easy to get motivated for because there was an end in sight. Even from day one there was an end goal you were working towards.
Well now that end isn't in sight. I can't even see it with a telescope it seems like. When I look down the road, all I see is work. When I climb up on a tree to see a little farther... work. I could even hop on a plane and fly across the country and ahead of me would still be work. Where does it end? So I struggle daily with questions of, "Is this really how you want me spending my life?" or "What is your purpose in this?". I ask these questions constantly. Half the time I think I'm really making strides as a professional and learning good, marketable skills that will help me further in my career with ExxonMobil. But the other half of it I can't help but think I'm wasting the time I have. Shouldn't I be studying the Word, shouldn't I be spending time with Becky, seeing family? What am I doing?
Now that I write this is all kind of makes sense. I wonder what David thought when he was running from Saul for years?? I wonder if he sat there knowing, "Man this is rough. But I know I'm in God's will. No problem, let's run." And it's funny to me that I would be reading Psalms now. Do you think God's trying to show me something? This was confirmed through Becky the other night, but I really think He's trying to get me to get over myself. I know He wants me to live this out, not just talk to a few people and call it quits. He wants my life. That means my life when I'm rested and my life when I'm exhausted. My life when I can get 10 things done at work and my life when I can't get anything done. He wants all of me. And this pride that I have that tells me I can spend my time in a better way or that I'm not where I need to be is only distracting me from my real purpose. That is to be a Christian at my workplace. If I was anywhere else, the call wouldn't be any different.
So just like the commercial says, "A year and a half into the job and 30+ years to go... yeah, I'm there". What's encouraging about writing this tonight is I know I'm not the only one. And even though that thought doesn't do anything to my work load and doesn't answer one little email for me, somehow it's the most comforting thing to know right now. That God in His infinite wisdom place His children in the places that will grow them the most. In marriage, in dating, in singlehood, in professional life, in families, in churches, and in friendships. No matter how much they yell or scream, He keeps you where you need to be. I'm really thankful for you Lord. Thanks for loving me more than I ever could.
2 comments:
I'm so proud of you honey! I am BEYOND THANKFUL that I have a husband that truly values family time over corporate time. I adore that you want our family to grow more than you want to get up that corporate ladder. I love you. We'll figure this all out together.
I'm so glad to see you writing again. You and your wife should co-write a book! I'm completely serious, you are both such talented writers.
Thank you for your post. I came home from work feeling overwhelmed with corporate life. My life post-Russia has been filled with 60 hour work weeks and weekend trips to see Zach or my parents. I really haven't put down roots. I was offended when I first read your comment about work being work and needing to have a life beyond that because frankly I have little other than work 5 days a week. But God started working in my heart yesterday when I got ready for church and on a "whim" decided to go to another church. I finally realized what was wrong about my approach in church hunting. I was completely focused on myself (i.e. the only criteria for churches I was visiting was the presence of a 20 somethings ministry) and not on finding a place to serve. Your post drove it home to me that I need to get on with a fulfilling life that includes more than time at the office.
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