Friday, March 27, 2009

How are you? Stay tuned...

Whenever Becky leaves town, something weird happens to me.  For one, I lose all ability to make myself a decent meal.  I literally forget that I need to eat and end up eating cookies at 9 o'clock because I'm really hungry.  Second, I get REALLY introspective.  This house is so quiet.  I'm not a talker when Becky's around, so you can imagine what I'm like when I'm by myself.  It's downright boring.  But in the midst of all that, some pretty cool things happen when my brain starts thinking for the sole purpose of thinking.  It hardly ever happens.

Tonight I pulled out an old high school yearbook and started reading what people wrote.  I didn't look at any of the pages (sorry yearbook team, but even 7 years (what in the world, it's been 7 years!) after high school I still don't care who's going to be most successful).  All I wanted to read was what people wrote.  And really I only wanted to read what people wrote that I still "know".  There's people in high school you would say hi to if you saw them, but very few that you could talk to for more than 5 minutes without wondering when the awkwardness would go away.  Thankfully, I have a handful of friends that I still keep in touch with on a very loose timeline.  I get upset with myself every time I think about it because I haven't kept in touch like I thought I would.  But with these friends, I can call them anytime and we can pick up like no time has passed.  Same with college friends.  It feels nice to be loved and to love.

Recently I heard from a whole lot of you through facebook.  Monday was my birthday (25) and out of the woodwork you all came to wish me happy birthday.  It was a fun surprise seeing my email fill up throughout the day!  But I hated the few times someone got a hold of me through text message or by phone and asked "how are you, it's been SO long since we've talked!"  It's near impossible for me to make small talk.  It's also impossible for me to not say something that I'm thinking (just ask Becky... I don't really have a filter.  She tells me all the time, "Some things are supposed to stay INSIDE your head... but I love that you're so open.")  When someone asks me that question, I want to immediately schedule a two hour session so we can really catch up.  Even though I don't talk to you on a daily basis, or even a regular basis, I still really want to know what's going on in your life and I really want to tell you what's going on in my life.  The good parts come out first, then around 20 minutes or so we get into the first pieces of the real story of what's going on in your life... then if you can stick it out for about 50 minutes, then filters are usually gone on both sides and you can have a real conversation.  It's getting people to stick with me for 50 minutes (and for me to have that much free time to run my mouth on the phone) that's the hard part.

So here's what I'm going to do... On this blog, I'm going to write a 5 part blog series titled "How are you?"  I'm going to update my readers (I think I'll start calling you my fans, that sounds more fun) on how I'm really doing.  I'll do my best to filter things but still be completely honest.  And yes, Becky will more than likely proof read before I post.  But there's things about our marriage that I just truly find fascinating that I want to let all of you in on.  And there's things that the Lord is teaching me that I wasn't ever trying to learn.  There's a lot of things that I'm (and Becky) are sacrificing in our lives right now.  Balancing work with life is a reality.  Talking to GOOD friends somehow takes planning now.  And traveling to go on vacations isn't an option unless someone else wants to pay for it.  If you really want to know what's going on in my life, then you have two options.  1) Call me and ask the question.  I'll know what you mean.  If you don't have my number, leave a comment and I'll email it to you.  Sorry, I've grown a lot, but I'm still paranoid putting my phone number on a blog.  2) Read the posts.

I'm making no promises on a timeline.  By now I'm sure there aren't a lot of readers.  No problem.  I had a lot of pride to deal with when it came to writing.  I don't know if I'll ever trust myself again to write with absolutely pure motives, but I'm not going to be paralyzed by that fear.  I used to write to impress, now I just want to write.  If I notice the performer coming out in me, then I just shut it down and really look to the Lord to do a work in me before I'll attempt it again.  So be patient... or don't :)

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