???

It only took 4 months and 23 days for me to come home at night and literally not know what in the heck to do with myself.

Becky's gone to Chicago for a Recreational Ministry Conference until Saturday. Before she went, I went back and forth thinking that it would be good to have relaxing time at the house and not have anything on the calendar and then really missing her. I honestly didn't think it would be too bad. 4 days, no big deal. And in the grand scheme of things, no it's not that big of a deal. But it's eye opening to me how much our lives are connected now. Marriage truly does change things. I feel like part of me is missing and while both of us are going to have "retreat" time at night when we're alone, I'm already looking forward to Saturday night.

So until then, I thought I would just post random thoughts from this past week. In other words, this is a post that you will read (not long):

• Can someone please tell MTV that the Real World should've been over 10 seasons ago? I've been wondering why in the world they let these people on TV for the longest time, and today of all days I find an article on MSNBC.com completely bashing the show. At the end of the article, I thought to myself, "Yes, finally someone in this country is thinking clearly."
• Subway sandwiches are incredibly good, but is it bad that you're eating a whole loaf of bread when you get a footlong? (Becky's thought, not mine)
• Does it seem ironic to anyone that the top 6 softball teams made it to the playoffs in our non-competitive league? Made me laugh...
• How much time would you have if you turned the TV off? Wouldn't it be easier to live life instead of always seeing it "lived"?
• These past 2 weeks at work have been really incredible... understanding personalities has done wonders to my perspective. It's also helped me understand other's expectations and my own limitations. It's been so freeing for me.
• Is it funny to anyone else when someone tells you "you're free in Christ" and then asks you to make a list of how you're free?
• Seeing a single roach can honestly make me run out of a room. Every time Becky and I kill one, you would think we were entering a war zone. We start yelling and throwing things. I still have not seen one bigger than my thumb. Why am I afraid again...?

Sweetheart, come home soon. I'm losing my head :( I'll post something a little more normal in the next couple of days hopefully.

Guy's Night

Tonight was a guy's night... JMor, Tripp, Tyler and I went to the batting cages to hopefully influence the memories we'll make on the softball field this Saturday (if any of us will play). I get real excited when I get to hang around them. Such godly guys, guys that I respect and live through life with. We don't see each other all the time, but the times we do are usually productive.

What I like is life talk. We can talk about work, about the type of job you're doing here and the position you want there, blah blah. But none of that stuff really matters. It does to the extent of securing your family's future. Outside of that I really don't see a good reason for pouring yourself into your job. I desire everyday to be an excellent employee at work. Some days I accomplish it and some days I get so frustrated because I know I could've done more. But work is work. It's not life. Tonight we were talking about some life issues... where we were at in our stages of life, things about marriage that I'm still getting used to, stories from the guys night that MetroLink had the other night, purpose at work beyond your given job. Things like that.

The more I think about it, these are the kind of nights that really encourage me to keep plugging away. I have the best support system at home with Becky. She's got enough drive for the both of us. I don't consider myself a lazy person at all, but lately I feel like I've lost my drive to work. It's just draining. I think I'm making a difference and then just have another thing to do. The job is never done. In college sure it seemed that way, but stick it out a few more weeks and take the final and bam... the job really is done. Don't like a class? Wait 5 months, it'll change. Four years was easy to get motivated for because there was an end in sight. Even from day one there was an end goal you were working towards.

Well now that end isn't in sight. I can't even see it with a telescope it seems like. When I look down the road, all I see is work. When I climb up on a tree to see a little farther... work. I could even hop on a plane and fly across the country and ahead of me would still be work. Where does it end? So I struggle daily with questions of, "Is this really how you want me spending my life?" or "What is your purpose in this?". I ask these questions constantly. Half the time I think I'm really making strides as a professional and learning good, marketable skills that will help me further in my career with ExxonMobil. But the other half of it I can't help but think I'm wasting the time I have. Shouldn't I be studying the Word, shouldn't I be spending time with Becky, seeing family? What am I doing?

Now that I write this is all kind of makes sense. I wonder what David thought when he was running from Saul for years?? I wonder if he sat there knowing, "Man this is rough. But I know I'm in God's will. No problem, let's run." And it's funny to me that I would be reading Psalms now. Do you think God's trying to show me something? This was confirmed through Becky the other night, but I really think He's trying to get me to get over myself. I know He wants me to live this out, not just talk to a few people and call it quits. He wants my life. That means my life when I'm rested and my life when I'm exhausted. My life when I can get 10 things done at work and my life when I can't get anything done. He wants all of me. And this pride that I have that tells me I can spend my time in a better way or that I'm not where I need to be is only distracting me from my real purpose. That is to be a Christian at my workplace. If I was anywhere else, the call wouldn't be any different.

So just like the commercial says, "A year and a half into the job and 30+ years to go... yeah, I'm there". What's encouraging about writing this tonight is I know I'm not the only one. And even though that thought doesn't do anything to my work load and doesn't answer one little email for me, somehow it's the most comforting thing to know right now. That God in His infinite wisdom place His children in the places that will grow them the most. In marriage, in dating, in singlehood, in professional life, in families, in churches, and in friendships. No matter how much they yell or scream, He keeps you where you need to be. I'm really thankful for you Lord. Thanks for loving me more than I ever could.

History

Throughout the past month or so, God has really been placing a desire inside of me to learn about the past. There wasn't really a specific past to learn about. I've toyed with the idea of America's past (bought the book "God and Gold" that talks about the rise of Great Britain and the US as world powers and how they did it), the history of the St. Louis Cardinals and even church history.

This past weekend Becky and I were walking downtown after an Astros game and decided to go out to eat and go see a movie (which we haven't done in a very long time... I'm not the biggest movie fan. Honestly I think most of them are a waste of time). While Becky stood in line to get tickets for the movie, she told me to go and look at all the posters to see which one looked good to me. To my surprise, none of them looked good. I head back to line thinking, "Typical... I'm so difficult even the entertainment capital of the world can't entertain me." Becky suggests we see "The Other Boleyn Girl" and after a look that told her, "I know this one is bad, but I'll go ahead and go in so I can say 'I told you so' later" we were off to the movies.

Halfway through the movie we both realize that the movie is the story of Henry VIII of England and his annulment from Catherine of Aragon. I knew this was an important part of history but never really paid that close of attention back in my Senior year of high school to remember any details. The main one I remembered is that the Church of England was formed when Henry VIII decided to split with the Roman Catholics (which was unheard of). This was in some way a part of the Protestant Reformation which proceeded to have a huge impact on the rest of the world.

When this dawns on me, I instantly become fascinated. I'm not talking, "Oh that's cool". I'm talking, "I have to read every book that was ever published on this topic" fascinated. I couldn't stop talking when we left the movie theater and walked back to our car about how crazy God was. He used corruption, deceipt, dark, evil ideas and actions to spread the gospel throughout the world. And when you think about it, we know VERY LITTLE of what actually happened throughout the history of this world. We only know about those that are written about. We don't know about every common family, orphan, criminal, child, adult, grandparent... we have no clue. We know detailed history about less than 1% of the world's population. It blows my mind to see God's hand in the known. It absolutely floors me to think of His hand through the unknown. If he could use the wicked, just think what He could do with the willing!

There's so much to this. That night we headed over to Scott and Blakely's good-bye party and started talking to Laurie Johnson (a friend from church). We all three just started talking, not really knowing each other that well but just talking about the events of the day. Well I tell Laurie about this movie and she tells me about a sermon series that Tommy Nelson (yes, the Song of Solomon guy) preached at his church entitled "Church History". It was a 13 week series that took you from the book of Acts in the Bible to present day Christianity. Laurie promised to bring us a copy of the series so we could listen to it and did the next day at church, but to my dismay we didn't meet up. Thinking the pastor of our church would know where a good resource would be to learn about the history of the church would be, I went up to talk to him after the service. He suggested a book and then suggested this very same sermon series from Tommy Nelson. At this point, pure obsession took over my body and as soon as I got home I stumbled upon this website: http://www.archive.org/details/ChurchHistory. The complete 13 week sermon series free of charge. I could hardly wait for Monday.

To make a long story longer, I've now listened to the entire 13 week series in 3 days. I have to listen to it again after some studying. I can't get my head around this. Trying to see where God was at work and where man was at work. In the history of the church, there are examples of both. If I'm honest, you should know that I've never been really big on theology and doctrine. I've read through the Bible once in my life and have probably read it about half way through after that.

I have a big picture understanding of the Bible and have very basic core beliefs. I accept Jesus as the sinless Son of God who came to Earth for the sole purpose of dying for the sins of the world. A perfect atonement was provided to God for my sin through this act of love, therefore paving the way for me to spend eternity in Heaven. The only requirement to getting into Heaven is believing in Jesus. Faith.

Listening to this series has radically altered my perspective. I can't read fast enough now. I can't pray for enough wisdom now. Today I couldn't stop praying for my workplace and for our country. The sad part about this whole thing is that the status of today's world is not something new. It's old news. "New" belief systems are rooted in the 1500s, 1600s, 1700s, etc. There's so much behind our faith, behind denominations, behind worship service structure, behind the belief that you have to earn your way into Heaven as opposed to being saved by faith alone. Some of it is Biblical, some of it honestly is not at all. It's fallen man's opinion that went unquestioned or really uncontested for so long that now it is accepted as inerrant. It's insane to me...

My only question to leave this post with is this: What is truth? My answer is the Lord Jesus Christ and the Bible, the inspired written words of God through various writers. This answer should drive every action, every thought, every word, every prayer and every service that I ever take part in in my life. Part of me longs for the time back before I discovered this truth. The other part of me just wants to go forward and trust the Lord with the lost time and time ahead. I'm overwhelmed at the possibilities and currently trying to figure out how to live with what little time there is left.